November 8, 2012
I don’t know basically how to start this cover story or to whatever it is that you guys call it. As my fingers tap on every single letter on the keyboard, there are a lot of ranging thoughts lingering that it’s so hard to sum it all in parts. I’m still an oldie at heart for pen and paper are still conventional and convenient to unload thoughts, and for me doing this on a Microsoft word sheet puts that extra effort on my part (so just to keep up with the evolution of technology, right?). Carry on, I called this article or cover story as “THE TRANSFORMATION” for as human beings we live in a world which is the only constant thing in the world is CHANGE that is synonymous for alter, to modify, to adjust, to TRANSFORM. And now as the Transformation begins or should I say had just begun…..
I have happened to have opened up my ever kept and precious diary on this very heavy loaded day. As I have read some parts of what I have written, it’s really true what they say that the past will haunt us in different ways that we could imagine. I have written there that 2011 was a year of TRANSFORMATION and at the same time a year of blessing. Well looking back, yes it was! Proven, tested and affirmed. I know blessings don’t just come in great big packages. It also comes in not-so-pretty packages such as pain, failures, struggles, disappointments and the like. Truly I am thankful for all of those not-so-pretty packages that I was able to unwrap little too early before the holidays of 2011, for those made me more appreciative of what life is all about.
Getting my major turning point (having my fragile heart all broken by this guy, well not just any guy and losing my job at the same time) made me mature and opened up my mind in the true essence of what we call “The Reality of Life.” I just didn’t get my heart broken once by a guy, well several times and occasions way before 2011 but that relationship I had with Mr Turning point was the one broke me the hardest. Let’s just say there will always be that one person who will break and shake you the most and God is indeed gracious to have brought that in quite an early point in my life.
I have lost Mr Turning point and my job way back 2010 (on my birthday to make it any more worse and consolation) and the pain was so excruciating at those moments that all I can rely to was myself. Not even my family or friends can console me. So all I did was weep and called God for help. At this time the call was not just some superficial “Hey God I am in too much pain hear me out will you?” type but the one that your desperate spirit calls for another spirit for comfort. I could remember I was sober and at peace on those calls that I made, frantically so different from all those calls I made when I was way younger. Well all He did was to listen to all my aches and ranting and one day He responded. His response was not something I expected at all but it took a long while for me to see the fruits of his reply. And you know what the reply was? Believe me if I tell you that it was just pure and simple, no logic required but chaste and complete surrender and that is to KNOW JESUS AND TO KNOW HIM PASSIONATELY THROUGH HIS WORDS.
One Sunday of 2010 (well maybe just a week after the dumping and me jobless, a friend of mine invited me to hear mass on a Baptist church which kept me hesitant for a bit but hey what can I afford to lose right? And never knew that Sunday was the hallmark. As I could recall as I entered the small church, my heart and spirit was all heavy, tears withheld and I looked like a mess. And when I sat on a bleacher I talked to God and mocked him (guys please don’t ever do this for you will be surprised on what you will get after). I was like all down and said to Him, “If you really do exist God please speak to me now, talk to me, I want to know what you want from me, why do you have to this all in one time? Are you that too insensitive or what? I’m a believer and why the hell all of these crap?” and yes the ranting went on and on. And so the mass has started and as soon as the Pastor was at the Pulpit it was like I was seeing God in front of me. And his words echoed all over me as he uttered, “My message tonight is all about Letting Go of all the negative and replacing it with God’s mercy and grace and this is just the first part, you have to be present on the succeeding Sundays to know more”.. and right before you know it (light bulb).. I wept. And there it all began a life journey of V with God.
As on Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight.” This verse never did made sense not until today. All throughout my life all I do was to go on life my way but little did I know that I was wrong. I fully understood now why all of I have been through in life was full of shit! For I was the one holding the pen and just creating my own life story without Him guiding it. Just like a parent who guides their child for the very first time on how to write on paper. Yes, I am a Christian but a broken one. I believed in God and His Son but never that I consolably put my heart and passion in knowing His life and His words. The “turning point” made me see the real essence that once you are all broken and shattered there is no one in this entire living existence who can mend it and make you whole little by little and that is Jesus. He designed my life in a way that he took all those valuable parts of me so that I can see that He truly exist, that He is just right there waiting for reciprocation of love and attention. His megaphone in my life was creating excruciating pain in one major blow and oh my I have heard from Him big-time! My ears almost went deaf and that silence, that empty space was something I never wanted. And that it made me reach out to Him gradually.
I don’t know if I am making sense right here but guys I don’t want you to live the life I have lived in the past. Some parts where bright and colourful but most of it? Not even a crayon can add colour to it. It was all black and gray. People may see my life as something to be envied well yeah I am proud to say you should for I have come to figure out life in an early age but it’s not about the bragging part here, it’s all about putting God above everything else in life. It’s never too late. He will always be the one who will have all the answers for He is omnipotent. As what Pastor Tan (the man behind the pulpit) had said, “When the Lord transforms any of us, He shows us our emptiness. This emptiness is slowly transformed to a realization of our desperate need of God, not just of His gifts… but God Himself. It is in acknowledging emptiness that God causes humility and grace to abound in the life of the greedy, making him a mysterious testimony of grace. The blessing of being empty is that it leads those who see their emptiness to lift up their cups to Him who can pour grace and create a deep spiritual appetite for God.”
I am not playing saint here; I’m a Christian, a believer and a sinner. And I don’t know how to end this but I will just say a verse that I always say to myself and share to others in times of brokenness, as on Philippians 4:13 states, “I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength.” and yes He always do, it never fails, Shout it out to the universe with all your might and be surprised of what the universe has to say back at you. I hope and pray that “surprise” He has in store for you will be cherished and kept until eternity. May God bless us all.